A few Sunday thoughts

Ian and I were walking Isla into church.  We each had her hand while she "skated" on the icey parking lot.   She was laughing and for a brief moment, I thought, "This is happiness."
I don't always feel that way in family life.  I don't always think in every moment, "ahh this is happiness."  In particular with mothering, I have felt guilty about that, the fact that I'm not always happy.    I'm good at some things.  For example, I like adventures.  The other day I told Isla we  were going to ride the city bus.  Even though it was pretty dang cold we bundled up and walked out to the bus stop and waited for our bus.  She was thrilled with the experience of getting on that  big bus.  We rode all the way downtown.  We walked over the sky walks and looked at the cars below us.  We told each other to shoosh as we walked quietly through the bank and then we stopped at a toy store in the mall and played with the toys there.  Then we walked downstairs to see the giant Christmas tree and say hello to Santa.  He waved and gave her a candy cane.  Then It was time to go back home and we went back through the mall, through the bank and over the sky walks to the bus station where we caught our bus home.  It was a great day.  I'm good at stuff like that. 
But if Isla asks me to play with her?  Dieing a thousand deaths is what I feel like.  Anxiety comes over me as I try to play pretend and think of something for my character to say.  I look at the clock and find myself saying, "ok I'll play for 5 min."  Nothing in me enjoys "playing" where there is no point or no objective, just pure playing.  I have had so much anxiety over this and have even audited myself at the end of the day.  "Did you play enough today?"  Beating myself up if I hadn't or if I had but didn't enjoy it.  This guilt has intensified in the wake of the tragedy in Connecticut where so many parents don't have the privilige to get on the floor and play with their kids anymore. 
Today in Relief Society we studied the talk by Dieter F. Uchtdorf called Of regrets and resolutions. 
It talks about regrets many people have who are dieing, one of them being wishing they had spent more time with their loved ones.  Immediately my guilt radar comes up.  "I don't enjoy the time I have playing with Isla or I just don't even play with her enough."  Then someone made a comment about doing things with her loved one that she didn't like to do but she did them to spend time with that person.  Something clicked with me.  I don't sit down at the side of the bath tub with Isla playing a game with her 30 different bath toys where we help them one by one jump into a bowl and have a conversation with each one before they are able to jump into the bowl because I love to play that game!  I do it because she does and because I love her.  So as I look at the clock and think of a million other things and even wish  this game would speed up, I can remind myself, "Im doing this because I love her.  It's ok that I don't love it.  Before I would avoid these games because all I would think the whole time was "I hate this."  Now I can give myself a break, and hate it but do it anyways and hopefully free myself of a few regrets.  And when those happiness moments come, I can soak them in for all they're worth.